Continuous Joke Thread

[Flash]

[Flash]

Joke #1
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."


Joke #2
A woman comes to visit her italian son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between  the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know  what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the sugar bowl. You don't suppose  she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email  her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
       

Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma
     which read:


Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping  in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma.


Joke #3
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes and, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - priceless

[davipu]

Joke # 1: A few things to ponder...

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them,
would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for
Dummies"...
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?
Aren't there enough of them alive aready?

You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near
miss"?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

If Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks,
what do Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
_____________________________________________

Joke # 2: The Good, Bad, Worse...

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Worse: Your wife is on next.

Good: Your husband's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: And he looks better in them than you.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

[The Buddha]

<Snip>
Why do they report power outages on TV?
<Snip>

Not only did our RE-Elected Dumbass Village Idiot do this ... he also called it a rolling black out ... Yea ... Look it up dodo ... Rolling implies its timed in one zone, and following that it moves on to the next zone, and then the next like a controlled excercise to save electricity or create the impression of empty space (war time strategy)
Cool.
Srinath.

[Flash]

[TheGoodGuy]

here are a few:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

[Phaedrus]

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: Where do otters come from?
A: Otter space.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q. What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.

[yamahonkawazuki]

Juicy Squirt   

   The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[Church6360]

a pirate walks into a bar with with his pants around his ankels and a ships steering wheel stuck to the end of his erect pee pee. he walks up to the bar and asks for a drink.

the astonished bartender says "sure thing, but whydo you have a steering wheel stuck to your pee pee?"

to which the pirate replies
"Arrrr, it's driving me nuts."

[buzz]

A man walks into a tatoo parlor, and asks for a tatoo.

"What do you want?" the artist ask.

"It's kind of strange." the man says.

"I've seen it all just spit it out." The artist says.

"I want a 100 dollar bill tatooed on my pee pee."

The artist promptly breaks out laughing. "Ok I have never done that. I will, but why in the Hell would you get that tatooed on your pee pee?"

The man replies "My wife is always blowing money"

[Mr.7]

Q:Where do find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left it

:lol:

[Longinus]

Q : Why didn't the dog answer the phone ?

A : Because he was driving the tractor.


Q : What do you call a blonde in college ?

A : Lost.

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef

Two peanuts walk down the road late at night, one was a salted

Two guys walk into a bar... which is pretty stupid, you'd think the second guy would have stopped after he saw the first guy do it

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A golden retreiver

How does a blonde turn the light on after sex?
Kicks open the car door

How do asian people name their kids?
Throw silverware down the stairs

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill himself?
You would too, if your name was narghghghghhh

Two blondes, one in a car, one in a rowboat.. Problem is, rowboat's in the middle of a field... Blonde in the car, pulls over, gets out of car, starts yelling at blonde in boat.. "You know, it's blondes like you that make all blondes look stupid, I really hate you... If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass"

What did the blonde dad say to his blonde daughter as she left for a date?
If you're not in bed by twelve, come home

Why did the blonde drive her car into a ditch?
To turn off her turn signal

What do you get if you take 365 used condoms and melt em down into a tire?
A F*cking good year

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

A blonde and a brunette are watching the 10 o'clock news, and there's a man on a bridge threatening to jump, so the brunette bets the blonde $100 he jumps.. Sure enough, the guy jumps.. As the blonde is paying the brunette, her conscience kicks in, and she tells the blonde to keep her money, she'd seen the 5 o'clock news, and knew the guy was gonna jump.. The blonde said "No, you keep the money, I saw the 5 o'clock news too, I just didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again"

A drunk stumbles out of a bar late one night, only to run into a large group of nuns. Momentarily confused, the drunk looks around, runs at one of the nuns, and proceeds to pummel her, after she falls to the ground unconscious, the man mutters "You're not so tough after all, Batman!"

DO NOT READ THIS ONE IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED.. Or if you have a time constraint, it's long
A young hippy gets on a city bus, and ends up sitting next to a nun, whom he finds to be extraordinarily attractive, so he strikes up a conversation, and tries to hit on her, but gets shut down at every turn. He tries, unsuccessfully, every day for 3 weeks to get somewhere with her during his daily bus ride, and every advance is rebuffed. Finally, out of desperation, he asks the bus driver about the nun. The driver tells him that she goes to a private park to pray and reflect every thursday night at midnight, and he should look for her there. The hippy plans his approach, buys a robe and a mask. He waits at the park and sees the nun get off the bus, and gives her awhile to pray and reflect. He dons his robe and mask, and approaches the nun. He tells her that he is a physical manifestation of her Lord, sent to grant her every sexual desire, as she has abstained in his name, and he will grant her one night of earthly pleasure.. She says that it sounds wonderful, but asks that the pleasure only be anal, so that she can stay chaste for the sisterhood, which is fine by the hippy. After a long, sweaty hour, the hippy rips off his mask and says "HA HA! I'M THE HIPPY!", and the nun rips off her habit (hood) and says "HA HA! I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!!"

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?

To all you virgins out there - Thanks for nothing!

A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?" To which the bartender says "nope", duck walks back out. The duck repeats this every day for a month, finally, the exasperated bartender tells him "If you ask me for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your bill to my bar!"... The duck comes in the next day and says "Got any nails?" The bartender says "nope", duck says "Got any grapes"

Did you know Helen Keller had a pony?
Neither did she

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They rearranged the furniture
(Sick answer - The put a plunger in the toilet)

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED
5 nuns are standing in line for confession, the 1st goes in and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, last night, I put one finger around a man's pee pee" The priest tells her to do 10 Hail Mary's, 10 Our Fathers, and dip the finger in the holy water.. The second nun goes in and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, last night, I put two fingers around a man's pee pee" The priest tells her to do 20 Hail Mary's, 20 Our Fathers, and dip both fingers in the holy water, repeat for the 3rd nun, with 3 fingers. The 5th nun taps the fourth nun on the shoulder and says "Would you mind if I went first? Cuz I don't wanna gargle with that water after you put your ass in it"

How many rats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, if they're small enough

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to hold the bulb, one to spin the ladder

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave

Why do blondes wear pants?
To keep their ankles warm

SEMI-OFFENSIVE and long
A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are flying a plane across the Atlantic, and about 1/2 way through the flight, the Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says "I hate Chinese people" to which he responds "Why hate Chinee?" (Use your stereotypical asian voice here, I'm good at it, cuz I'm Korean). The Jewish guy tells him "Chinese people bombed Pearl Harbor", and he says "Chinee no bomb Pearl Hawbah, Japanee bomb Pearl Hawbah", and the Jewish guy says "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, they're all the same"... "Oh... ok..." So like 20 minutes later the Chinese guy turns to the Jewish guy... "No like Jews!" "WTF Do you mean you don't like Jews?"... "Jews sink Titanic!"... "Jews didn't sink the Titanic, an ice berg sank the Titanic"... The Chinese guy grins and says "Iceberg, Roseberg, Goldberg, all the same"

[pandy]

ONCE THERE LIVED A WOMAN WHO HAD A MADDENING PASSION  FOR BAKED BEANS. SHE LOVED THEM BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THEY  HAD ALWAYS HAD A VERY EMBARRASSING AND SOMEWHAT LIVELY REACTION TO HER.

THEN ONE DAY SHE MET A MAN AND FELL IN LOVE. WHEN IT  BECAME APPARENT THAT THEY WOULD MARRY SHE THOUGHT TO  HERSELF, "HE IS SUCH A SWEET AND GENTLE MAN, HE WOULD NEVER GO FOR THIS CARRYING ON."

SHE MADE THE SUPREME SACRIFICE AND GAVE UP BEANS.  SOME MONTHS LATER HER CAR BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME FROM  WORK. SINCE SHE LIVED IN THE COUNTRY SHE
CALLED HER HUSBAND AND TOLD HIM THAT  SHE WOULD BE LATE BECAUSE SHE HAD TO WALK HOME.

ON HER WAY, SHE PASSED A SMALL DINER AND THE ODOR OF  THE BAKED BEANS WAS MORE THAN SHE COULD STAND. SINCE SHE STILL HAD MILES TO  WALK, SHE FIGURED THAT
SHE WOULD WALK OFF ANY ILL EFFECTS BY THE TIME SHE  REACHED HOME.

SO, SHE STOPPED AT THE DINER AND  BEFORE SHE KNEW IT, SHE HAD CONSUMED THREE LARGE ORDERS OF BAKED BEANS.  ALL THE WAY HOME  SHE PUTT-PUTTED, AND UPON
ARRIVING HOME SHE FELT REASONABLY SURE SHE COULD  CONTROL IT.  HER HUSBAND SEEMED EXCITED TO SEE HER AND EXCLAIMED  DELIGHTEDLY, "DARLING, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR DINNER TONIGHT."

HE THEN BLINDFOLDED HER AND LED HER TO HER CHAIR AT  THE TABLE. SHE SEATED HERSELF AND JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD  FROM HIS WIFE, THE
TELEPHONE RANG.  HE MADE HER PROMISE NOT TO TOUCH THE  BLINDFOLD UNTIL HE RETURNED. HE THEN WENT TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE.

THE BAKED BEANS SHE HAD CONSUMED WERE STILL AFFECTING  HER AND THE PRESSURE WAS BECOMING ALMOST UNBEARABLE, SO  WHILE HER HUSBAND WAS OUT OF THE ROOM SHE SEIZED THE OPPORTUNITY, SHIFTED HER  WEIGHT TO ONE LEG AND LET IT GO.

IT WAS NOT ONLY LOUD, BUT IT SMELLED LIKE A  FERTILIZER TRUCK RUNNING OVER A SKUNK IN FRONT OF A PULPWOOD MILL.  SHE TOOK HER NAPKIN AND FANNED THE AIR AROUND HER VIGOROUSLY.   THEN,  SHE SHIFTED TO THE OTHER CHEEK AND RIPPED THREE MORE, WHICH REMINDED HER OF  COOKED CABBAGE.

KEEPING HER EARS TUNED TO THE  CONVERSATION IN THE OTHER ROOM, SHE WENT ON LIKE THIS FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES.  WHEN THE TELEPHONE FAREWELLS SIGNALED THE
END OF HER FREEDOM, SHE FANNED  THE AIR A FEW MORE TIMES WITH HER NAPKIN, PLACED IT ON HER LAP AND FOLDED HER  HANDS UPON IT, SMILING CONTENTEDLY TO HERSELF.

SHE WAS THE PICTURE OF INNOCENCE WHEN HER HUSBAND  RETURNED, APOLOGIZING FOR TAKING SO LONG, HE ASKED HER IF  SHE PEEKED, AND SHE ASSURED HIM THAT SHE HAD NOT.

AT THIS POINT, HE REMOVED THE BLINDFOLD, AND SHE WAS  SURPRISED!! THERE WERE TWELVE DINNER GUESTS SEATED AROUND THE TABLE TO WISH HER  A HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!!!

[NiceGuysFinishLast]

heh, that's an oldie, but a goodie... reminded me of this one -

GROSS (sorta?)

A young man and young woman have fallen deeply in love, and through a long courtship, they remain chaste, as young, unmarried people should, and on the night of their wedding, they plan to release all that pent up tension.. However, as the groom is in the bathroom, removing his tux and getting ready, the bride is overcome with guilt, and decides she has to make a confession to him. So when he comes out, she tells him, "I love you, but I have a confession to make... All through our dating, I've been wearing pushup bras, I'm flat as a 12 year old boy...I'm sorry to ruin your excitement"... He comforts her for awhile, and tells her, "Don't worry, I've got a confession to make too, down there, I'm like a baby!"... This immediately cheers her up, and they decide to get down to business. She takes her top off, and sure enough, not a whole lot there, but the groom isn't surprised. So he drops his pants, and she takes off his boxers, and is faced with the largest, most monstrous pee pee she's ever seen in her life, so big, she can't believe it, and she faints. She wakes up to see him standing over her, concerned, and she says "I thought you said you were like a baby down there!"... He just grins and replies "Yep... 16 inches long, weighs in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces"

[SPDave]

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender looks over and says, "What is this, a joke?"

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A small town has two churches, a Baptist and a Methodist.  Neither pastor is very well off and can only afford to ride bicycles.  As their churches are close to each other, they ride together on Sunday mornings, swap sermon notes and chat.  One morning the Baptist preacher walks up.

Methodist: Brother, where's your bicycle.

Baptist: Brother, my heart is heavy this morning.  I fear that a member of my flock has stolen it.

Methodist: Well, here's what you do.  Scrap your sermon this morning and preach on the Ten Commandments.  When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, bear down on it.  Make them feel the fire and smell the brimstone that awaits a thief, and the guilty party will confess.

Baptist: That's a great idea.

The next Sunday the Baptist is back on his bike.

Methodist: Praise God!  I see my idea worked.

Baptist: Well, yes and no.  I did like you said and preached on the Ten Commandments, but when I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle.  (Thanks to Lewis Grizzard)

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A young turtle sits perched atop the tallest tree in the forest.  He takes a deep breath, jumps, and begins flapping his legs as fast as he can.  WHAM, he hits the ground.  He shakes it off, climbs back up, jumps, flaps his legs, and WHAM, he hits the ground again.  A little dazed now, he makes his way back to the top of the tree and gives it another go, but gravity asserts it's dominance and he falls back to earth.  Undaunted but a little wobbly he starts his climb once more.

The mother bird looks at the father bird and says, "Should we tell him he's adopted?"

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And now for the really stupid ones...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back
A stick.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?
Ilene

What do you call an Asian woman with no arms and one leg?
Irene (sorry about that one)

[pizzleboy]

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Jake D]

They asked the Mayor of New Orleans his stance on Roe v. Wade.



He said he didn't care how people got out of the city.



Wait for it. . .


Wait for it. . .


:lol: