How to Be a Curmudgeon on the Internet

[pandy]

by David Pogue of NY Times

Last week in my Times column, I referred to the five-note "Intel Inside" jingle often heard in TV ads. At least a dozen readers e-mailed me to inform me that the jingle is actually four notes, not five. As I've come to expect, some of these readers expressed, ahem, somewhat more anger than the circumstances might have seemed to require.
Continue reading.

"If you have that much trouble counting on one hand," one wrote, "you shouldn't be reviewing technology. Maybe a four-year-old can help you out next time."

I replied to this reader that I'm including the first "ping" in my tally. In that case, there ARE five notes in the jingle, as you can hear here.

But my correspondent never wrote back. That, of course, would violate the rules for being an Internet pill, reprinted here in their entirety, courtesy of the Pills of the American Internet Neighborhood Society (PAINS):

RULES FOR TROLLS AND PILLS

WHEREAS, 95 percent of all the e-mail received by critics and columnists is civil, friendly or respectfully constructive;

but WHEREAS, this is the Internet age, and we're all anonymous and can avoid making eye contact forever;

and WHEREAS, there's so much information overload, a little heat and drama on your part may be necessary just to be heard above the din;

and WHEREAS, many of those who fire off potshots are missing out on some of the best techniques for effective snippiness;

THEREFORE let us now post the rules for membership in the Pills of the American Internet Neighborhood Society.

1. Use the strongest language possible. Calling names is always effective, and four-letter words show that you mean business.

2. Having a violent opinion of something doesn't require you to actually try it yourself. After all, plenty of people heatedly object to books they haven't read or movies they haven't seen. Heck, you can imagine perfectly well if something is any good.

3. If it's a positive review that you didn't like, call the reviewer a "fanboy." Do not entertain the notion that the product, service, show, movie, book or restaurant might, in fact, be good. Instead, assume that the reviewer has received payment from the reviewee. Work in the word "shill" if possible.

4. If it's a negative review, call the reviewer a "basher" and describe the review as a "hatchet job." Accuse him of being paid off by the reviewee's *rival*.

5. If it's a mixed review, ignore the passages that balance the argument. Pretend that the entire review is all positive or all negative. Refer to it either as a "rave" or a "slam."

6. If you find a sentence early in the article that rubs you the wrong way, you are by no means obligated to finish reading. Stop right where you are--express your anger while it's still good and hot! What are the odds that the writer is going to say anything else relevant to your point later in the piece, anyway?

7. If the writer responds to your e-mail with evidence that you're wrong (for example, by citing a paragraph that you overlooked), disappear without responding. This is the anonymous Internet; slipping away without consequence or civility is your privilege.

8. Trolling is making a deliberately inflammatory remark, one that you know perfectly well is baloney, just to get a rise out of other people. Trolling is an art. Trolling works just fine for an audience of one (say, a journalist), but of course the real fun is trolling on public bulletin boards where you can get dozens of people screaming at you simultaneously. Comments on religion, politics or Mac-vs.-Windows are always good bets. The talented troll sits back to enjoy the fireworks with a smirk, and never, ever responds to the responses.

9. Don't let generalities slip by. Don't tolerate simplifications for the sake of a non-technical audience. Ignore conditional words like "generally," "usually" and "most." If you read a sentence that says, for example, "The VisionPhone is among the first consumer videophones," cite the reviewer's ignorance and laziness for failing to mention the prototype developed by AT&T for the 1964 World's Fair. Send copies of your note to the publication's publisher and, if possible, its advertisers.

And there you have it: the nine habits of highly effective pills. After all: if you're going to be a miserable curmudgeon, you may as well do it up right!

[NightRyder]

That is way to long to read. ;p

I will paraphrase:

1) swear.
2) have an opinion on everything.
3) positive reviews: call them names
4) negative reviews: call them names
5) well balanced review: ignore the ballanced part, see #3 or 4
6) Don't read the whole thing
7) Ignore any feedback
8) Trolling is like fishing, but you get people mad and ignore them instead of killing fish. With either, more is better.
9) Don't accept generalities, become super technical.

[pandy]

That is way to long to read. ;p

I will paraphrase:

Nice Readers Digest version! 

[annguyen1981]

Thankz NightRyder!

I got through about 20% then I skipped to the next post (yours)

[yamahonkawazuki]

MUWAHAHAHAHAHA. the purple pansy got it !!!!!!!

[Old Mr. Wilson]

It's "ok" to be a curmudgeon on the internet AND real life too. When you KNOW with all your heart and soul that your perceptions on any certain topic or situation are correct/true/reality and have been proven time after time, then witness the acceptance of the total opposite, well.............that is truly disheartening. I believe that when one has the majority of the facts lain out on the table and ignores them, that is called stupidity. Curmudgeon- a surly, ill mannered, bad-tempered person; cantankerous fellow (taken from a "real", politically incorrect dictionary published in 1972). Curmudgeon....that's me! I am a crusty, crippled, half-blind, old man just "set" (you'd better believe it) in his ways. I don't think I'll change this year............and the following years aren't gonna look any differently either.

[pandy]

blah blah blah

Fixed!

[Old Mr. Wilson]

? Fixed? Whatever that means.................yawn...............

Ya know.........I get tired of people's disrespect because I am an extreme right wing conservative. I'm a person with feelings too!

Why don't you buy you some "decent" clothes and stop walking around with a bone through your nose and safety pins in your damned eyebrows? You would NOT want me doing your job interview!

John, if you read this, please send me a PM as to where I might mail a donation. Old Man Wilson is paranoid about credit cards due to an 8000 dollar I.D. theft. Thanks dude. Wilson

[SuZuki10]

Wilson,
I respect you, and see where you're coming from, BUT you really have some balls putting a phrase like that in your signature.  You have to realize that times have changed and the whole world is a different place as far as acceptance of different cultures, views, ideas and mores, etc.  I'm not asking you to change your beliefs, but maybe you could have some respect for the younger generation also.  Don't get me wrong, if I see some @$$hole with a pierced face and scraggly hair, I look twice in disgust too.  But, I remember that they could be a good person on the inside.  That's all. 

[Phaedrus]

Wilson - Pandy is a pretty classy gal, actually. She is probably one of the classiest people here, even if she IS the biggest post whore on the planet.  And I seriously doubt she has a bone through her nose...hehe.

Amanda - Well said! 

I don't look down on people with all the funky piercings and strange colored hair because they are different, but a lot of times they have a chip on their shoulder and it is their attitude that gets old - real fast. They try so hard to be "different", they end up being just another boring, cliche weirdo who tries too hard. If you want to make a statement about your originality, that is not the way to do it. 

Everyone deserves respect as a person, but I see a different between "respect" and "Respect". Everyone gets respect, but you have to earn Respect. 

[pandy]

A bone through my nose as my next project....hmm...I'm not into too many Neanderthal thangs (or people). Dayim..I think I look pretty HAWT..why wouldn't someone want to hire me!?



P.S. Dearest Ol' Coot: I'd more likely be interviewing YOU.   

[Phaedrus]

Funny thing is, she would be wicked cute if it weren't for all that crap all over her....

[pandy]

Funny thing is, she would be wicked cute if it weren't for all that crap all over her....

And I thought you adored me for me. 

[Phaedrus]

 

I think tatoos are cute, even sexy if done right and placed in the proper spot. And SMALL nose studs are very cute - Kim got one and I encouraged it. But the large, dangly stuff..I think it is distracting, and takes away from a beaitiful face 

[pandy]

Phae doesn't like large, dangly stuff!

Phae doesn't like large, dangly stuff!

[Phaedrus]

Pandy loves large, dangly stuff on her face

Pandy loves large, dangly stuff on her face! 

Ask me nice and I might be able to oblige 

[pandy]

You are a sick, SICK puppy, Phae!!!

[yamahonkawazuki]

Wilson - Pandy is a pretty classy gal, actually. She is probably one of the classiest people here, even if she IS the biggest post whore on the planet.  laugh And I seriously doubt she has a bone through her nose...hehe.

[Phaedrus]

+1 

[Old Mr. Wilson]

Ok.........Wilson is sorry.
Wilson enjoys the beauty of well coiffed (on the head and otherwise where it should be), attractive women, that  are dressed appropriately.
Wilson doesn't like safety pins sticking through cheekbones and shi_t like that!
I don't care HOW they "look inside"!!! That is INSANE!!!! There now.