Dear Crackhead: Not entirely WS.

[Jake D]

This is a letter posted on Craigslist:

Dear Crackhead,

Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my
girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops
off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why
anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched.
Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no
idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni
to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that
night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the
sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me
that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the
tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an
engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool.
But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get
angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home
from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face.
I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I
would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace
offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus
for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained
some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny
anecdote about how f%&ked up you are, and how our paths once crossed
briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You
couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a
home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on
your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for
you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I
found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the
right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had
a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having
ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the
sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had
to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket
that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet.
My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2"
ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and
gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all
told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2"
drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I
say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was
eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not
worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me
wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable.
I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't
understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a
calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main
thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do
is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads
must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f%$king saw you used to saw off
my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade
it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have
you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy
crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be
that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount
to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically
California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have
desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have
caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of
engineering shaZam!, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss
could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat
poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one,
it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This
is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime.
I'm sure this is super illegal and shaZam!, but it's not like anyone is
going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel
mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well
balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and
buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking
experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges.
Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

[groff22]

LOL I read that a while back, I love it.

[natedawg120]

Yeah I read that a whle ago as well, I think is was right after the first time someone did that to me.  The first time at least they only took one though

[The Buddha]

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

Yea you see ... I think many of them do, except they get so stoned, they lose it and cant find it.
Cool.
Srinath.

[robbie]

Welcome to 2004!

Thats fake btw, but funny

[Jake D]

Sorry.  Didn't know it was a repost.
I guess I only have read like 73% of the internet.  Well, make that 74% now. 

[bubba zanetti]

Well you could be like An & get it delivered each month on a CD if you want keep up to date with the internet.

[SmartDrug]

Thats fake btw

Did you write the original one?  How the hell do you know it's fake?

[nightrider]

Crackheads will go to elaborate lengths just to get a little something.

Two crackheads came up to me and some friends outside an internet cafe. One of them asked for a lighter, which I lent him, as he was jawing everyones ear off at the same time. Then he gave me my lighter back while yakking a ton of insulting B.S. like the hyped up con man crackhead that he was. Later I noticed he had stolen my lighter and given me his old, empty lighter back.

Crackheads stole my mountain bike out of this same internet cafe at 2 in the morning where it was parked in a rack inside the door. A woman saw them do it and started yelling. A crackhead came by while I was calling the cops and offered to find it for me. He said he would find it, would I give him a reward if he did? I said yep, definitely.

10 minutes later he came back with my bike. I gave him $20.

He went inside and the owner of the cafe gave him $30.

The lady who yelled when they took it said he was one of the guys who was standing outside watching/directing things while it was being stolen.

I am a liberal, but I think some people should be open game, and others should be allowed to kill them on sight or at least beat them brutally with blunt objects. Is this wrong?

[Jughead]

Well in that case think WWJWD?

or
What Would John Wayne Do? 

[simon79]

(CUT)
I am a liberal, but I think some people should be open game, and others should be allowed to kill them on sight or at least beat them brutally with blunt objects. Is this wrong?

Except for the legalized murder part,+100000,man!

[nightrider]

(CUT)
I am a liberal, but I think some people should be open game, and others should be allowed to kill them on sight or at least beat them brutally with blunt objects. Is this wrong?

Except for the legalized murder part,+100000,man!

yea... you are probably right. 

there should also be more nonlethal guns available, like a tennis ball sniper rifle. If you see drug dealers hanging out on a corner, you are allowed to use it at your discretion. It would just bonk them on the head.

[spc]

Nightrider:  Yes!!!  There should be a hunting season for useless scumbags

[Jughead]

(CUT)
I am a liberal, but I think some people should be open game, and others should be allowed to kill them on sight or at least beat them brutally with blunt objects. Is this wrong?

Except for the legalized murder part,+100000,man!

yea... you are probably right. 

there should also be more nonlethal guns available, like a tennis ball sniper rifle. If you see drug dealers hanging out on a corner, you are allowed to use it at your discretion. It would just bonk them on the head.

Nothing like going Around Bonking Drug Dealers on the Head With Non Lethal Firearms. Especially if they have a 40 Glock in their Belt.

[nightrider]

This could even be done by remote control via surveillance cameras. 

[Jake D]

I was with a group of like 10 sport bikes this weekend.   We stopped to fuel up.  I went inside to pee and came back out and moved my bike away from the gas pump to the big group where all the bikes were parked waiting for me.  There was a crackhead holding court in the middle of the group.  He was panhandling.  I shut the motor off just in time to hear his big finish.  He was in tears and bawling really.   The crackhead sobs, "And now my daughters on drugs, just like me!  Guys, don't ever f%$k the wrong ho!"  Somebody in the group gave him $6 just to shut up and we tore out of there.   It was hilarious!