JOKES! lets have'em shall we

[gsagent005]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was ghey and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the ghey guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.





For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.



Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."



He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt."



He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. 


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[gsagent005]

WHEN TO START CUSSING! 


A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.  'You know what?' says the 6 year old.  'I think it's about time we started cussing.  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.  The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with he.ll, and you say something with a.ss.'  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.   


When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, he.ll, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' 
WHACK!  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'   


She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'  I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a.ss it won't be Cheerios!' 

[gsagent005]

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ......  Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

"Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

[gsagent005]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your pee pee is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221.'

[gsagent005]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[gsagent005]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his pee pee into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my pee pee into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle
slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[Toogoofy317]

Mickey and Minnie were having problems and finally ended up in divorce court.

The judge told Mickey sir I can't grant you a divorce because you say Minnie is crazy.

I didn't say she was crazy I said she was Flucking Goofy!


What is Minnie's favorite drink?

Minnesota!

Mary

[gsagent005]

 A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably
sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive
some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly
replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your
oatmeal

[Caffeine]

A woman is sitting on her couch when her husband walks in the front door with a goat.

"This is the pig I f*ck when you ain't around." he said.

"That's not a pig, you dumbass, it's a goat!" she yelled.

"Shut up!  I was talkin to the goat!"

[gsagent005]

 

[LOUiE]

How do you make 5 pounds of fat attractive?

but a n i pple on it.

[yamahonkawazuki]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[jserio]

 

[yamahonkawazuki]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


T

[jserio]

 

[Chanse]

WARNING completely tasteless and easily offensive religious joke....


So I was talking to Jesus the other day, and I was like "whats up jesus?"... He says "aww nothin' much, How have you been lately?", I says to him Im good how about you? "Well I'm kinda nervous" jesus replys. so I said what do you have to be nervous about, he says hes got a date this weekend. So I ask him, "So ahhhhhh, You think your gonna get lucky or what?" He says "Fu(k I hope so, This Bi-atch will screw anything thats not nailed down...."

[yamahonkawazuki]

WARNING completely tasteless and easily offensive religious joke....


So I was talking to Jesus the other day, and I was like "whats up jesus?"... He says "aww nothin' much, How have you been lately?", I says to him Im good how about you? "Well I'm kinda nervous" jesus replys. so I said what do you have to be nervous about, he says hes got a date this weekend. So I ask him, "So ahhhhhh, You think your gonna get lucky or what?" He says "Fu(k I hope so, This Bi-atch will screw anything thats not nailed down...."

Offensive yes, but still got a chuckle out of that

[Chanse]

This ones a true story.....


So I was dealing at the casino I used to work at one night and my table goes dead, Im sitting there pretty bored so I start stepping up and down on the box under the table for the shorter dealers, This lady at the next table turns around and laughs and says what the hell are you doing? I said not even thinking "I always wondered what it would be like to have an extra 4 inches" thinking of the height... She almost falls out of her chair, a few minutes later she catches her breath and says hey.... You know what the difference between ooohhhhhh and aaaahhhhhhhh is. Thought about it and said no. She says about 4 inches....

[Chanse]

Another casino story...

This little asian lady is playin at one of my tables and asks me.. in this sweet little old lady voice,,, scuse me sur... sur.. I said yes maam can I help ya. She says can I axs you a question, I said sure, She says SWEET POTATOES....... I said ummmmm ok. She says SWEET POTATOES.. Is that a fruit or a vegetable? I said a vegetable. She says Are you Sure... I says, Yes maam Im pretty sure. She says I dont know every time I eat them it sounds more like FRUIIITTTTT..

[yamahonkawazuki]

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Another:

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "f%$k YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f%$k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.