Why Do We Do The Things We Do?

[Kijona]

(This has nothing to do with anyone on this forum)

Can someone please help me to understand the logic behind being mean to someone when breaking up? I mean the breaker-upper to the other person, not the other way around. What the hell is the point of breaking up with someone, and on top of it, pissing in the wound?? Why can't it just be calm and a mutual thing? Why go behind my back, talk shaZam!, bring other people into it, act like a child and hold all my stuff (belongings) hostage, say hateful things then hang up...? I do not understand this at all. I kid you not. Not one word was uttered on my part that could even be REMOTELY considered "mean" or "hateful" yet I get all this backlash for no apparent reason.

Do people not break up like mature adults anymore, and instead resort to flinging proverbial fecal matter everywhere like a halfwit ape??

This is such a disappointment. And it's the second time it's happened. I thought dating someone older would help...but it didn't. Almost 32 years old and still acts like a high school student.

[DoktoroKiu]

"When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you."
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

The only reason someone resorts to such behavior is that they just want to hurt you.  Maybe she was justifying it to the other people (or to herself through telling them).  At any rate, look where it's really coming from and maybe you will find your answer.

Remember:
"The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury."
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

[cbrfxr67]

My ex wife, moved out on me twice, and second time I gradually let go and asked for the divorce.  I tried as sincerely as possible to be supportive and compassionate.  In the end she said some of the most hateful things anyone has ever spoken to me.  Of course, knowing her after 15 years, I know 'her' and understood what was going on in her pea-sized brain.  Though hurtful, I showed nothing, continued to speak to her calmly and positively, encouraged her to make a new better life for herself and forget her poisonous hatred.  That was two years back, or close to it.  I know she simply wanted to stab as far and as deep as she could.  It didn't matter that I was actively supporting her financially or working to remain on a positive level with her.  All she wanted was to make me hurt.  I still think about some of what she said, true or not, and shake my head.  Really Kijona I think this is pretty common and best thing is to get away from her, don't respond, don't feed it because that's what my ex wanted.  She wanted to keep that fire going and burn everybody with it.  Let her stew in that and close that door in your mind to all that negativity.

[Kijona]

My ex wife, moved out on me twice, and second time I gradually let go and asked for the divorce.  I tried as sincerely as possible to be supportive and compassionate.  In the end she said some of the most hateful things anyone has ever spoken to me.  Of course, knowing her after 15 years, I know 'her' and understood what was going on in her pea-sized brain.  Though hurtful, I showed nothing, continued to speak to her calmly and positively, encouraged her to make a new better life for herself and forget her poisonous hatred.  That was two years back, or close to it.  I know she simply wanted to stab as far and as deep as she could.  It didn't matter that I was actively supporting her financially or working to remain on a positive level with her.  All she wanted was to make me hurt.  I still think about some of what she said, true or not, and shake my head.  Really Kijona I think this is pretty common and best thing is to get away from her, don't respond, don't feed it because that's what my ex wanted.  She wanted to keep that fire going and burn everybody with it.  Let her stew in that and close that door in your mind to all that negativity.

Well, that sounds pretty similar, but just imagine what it would be like if you were on the receiving end, AND she said that kind of stuff to you. It's not a whole lot different, granted, since it's all just hateful behavior for no reason. All I can hope for is that it doesn't linger, and that I'll be able to keep at least some of my friends. Thanks for the story there, makes me feel a bit better.

"When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you."
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

The only reason someone resorts to such behavior is that they just want to hurt you.  Maybe she was justifying it to the other people (or to herself through telling them).  At any rate, look where it's really coming from and maybe you will find your answer.

Remember:
"The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury."
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

I definitely like that last quote - it's something I do actively try to live by. The only way to stop the cycle sometimes is to not pass it along. I do believe it's a case of trying to justify the hatred by telling other people or trying to get other people on the same side.

[DoktoroKiu]

I definitely like that last quote - it's something I do actively try to live by. The only way to stop the cycle sometimes is to not pass it along. I do believe it's a case of trying to justify the hatred by telling other people or trying to get other people on the same side.

Definitely sounds like a justification attempt, and the fact that friends are involved makes things worse.  It could even be an attempt to hurt you by damaging friendships.  Who knows.

I definitely quote from Marcus Aurelius a lot, and I can't recommend his Meditations enough.

[john]

Women's tongues are sharper than razor blades.  That's the reality.  Move on, give her whatever she wants and be done with it.  She has weapons in her arsenal you don't such as restraining orders.  She will use them.

[Kijona]

Women's tongues are sharper than razor blades.  That's the reality.  Move on, give her whatever she wants and be done with it.  She has weapons in her arsenal you don't such as restraining orders.  She will use them.

Yeah, well, I've long since moved on with my life. It's not worth losing sleep over at this point.