You have a good joke? Post it here. Let's try and keep this thread going. I'll start first.
One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!"
Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone :)
Joke #1
A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.
Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.
I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.
Joke #2
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"[/color]
Joke #1
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"
Joke #2
A lady goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the heck are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f_ck the cat."
Simon has his mother around for Sunday Lunch at the appartment he shares with Jason.
All through the meal mother is a little disturbed by the glances and little remarks that pass between them. When Jason is washing up she tries to talk to Simon but he cuts her shorts and says, I know what you are thinking but it's not like that, we are just flatmates and to prove it he shows his mother his room with a sumptuously padded double-bed then shows her another room with a single bed and says, that is Jason's room.
A week later Jason is preparing for another guest and says to Simon that he can't find the antique silver gravy ladle. They think about it and realise it was last seen when Simon's mother came to lunch.
Very embarrassed, Simon sends and e-mail to his mother saying, I am not saying you took the valuable silver antique ladle but the fact is that ever since you were here it has gone.
The following day simon got a reply. "If jason slept in that single bed he would have found the ladle by now"
NEVER TELL LIES TO YOUR MOTHER<
A group of very posh friends are having a dinner party when one of the men cocks a cheek, leans forward, and tears off the loudest, foulest fart in creation. Stunned silence. Then another guest says "Gad Sir, you farted in front of my wife" - - - "Oh Sorry I did not realise it was her turn"
Joke #1
A guy asks his friend Bubba, a ladies' man, how he satisfies women.
"I just slam my pee pee on the dresser until it's numb, then I can go for hours," says Bubba.
That night the guy slams his unit on the dresser while his wife's in the bathroom.
She calls out, "Bubba, is that you?"
Joke #2
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later..
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
Joke #3
Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the pee pee! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the pee pee. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.
Joke #4
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the heck have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
Joke #1
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
Joke #2
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Joke #3
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking and the one blonde says to the other. "What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon? " The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo.... can you see Florida?"
Joke #4
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The SOB called back."
A panda walks into a bar, and orders beer, and another, and another, then ribs, then wings, then sandwiches, then icecream, and eats it all, then takes out a gun and starts shooting up the place ... and abruptly gets up and walks out the door... The manager and other try to stop it, asking where you think you're going ... to this the Panda says ... I am a Panda, look it up... and sure enough they look it up and there is a pic and a good description of what it is, its geneology and in the end its diet... eats shoots and leaves ....
No problem. Its supposed to do that...
Cool.
Srinath.
Joke #1
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
Joke #2
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
Joke #3
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
Sorry, I've been saving these
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. I love YOU, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shaZam!."
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
Once upon a time, I walked into my kitchen after a particularly exhausting night of drinking. I was rather hungry, as you can well imagine (I like to drink on an empty stomach). The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor in front of my refrigerator, the open door spilling its light onto the linoleum floor. I ate an entire pound of swiss cheese in under thirty seconds. I was having the time of my life, until I hazily remembered that I am lactose intolerant. Severely lactose intolerant. Those next few hours were among the worst of my life.
Ethical Dilemmas in Action
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Bob, don't worry about
it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and
you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering...
"Bob, you're a vet..."
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
Pizzle, that last one is AWESOME!!!
Laughed so hard my eyes watered!!
Im sure evryone has heard this one before, but here is;
You know the US is going crazy when; the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and the three most powerful men in america are named Bush, duck and Colon
im not shure where this quote came from but ill bet letterman or lenno
gold jerry, gold!
Just a couple of my personal favorite blonde jokes:
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
How can you tell your fighting a war against blondes? You get hit in the head with a grenade pin.
Why do blondes like convertables? More leg room..
How can you tell there has been a blonde at your computer? There is white out on the screen. How can you tell another blonde was there after her? There is crayon on the white out..
Now where is that cheesy snare and tophat sound?
Q: Why did little Timmy fall off the swing?
A: Because he had no arms.
Joke #1
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved,signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
Joke #2
A woman comes to visit her italian son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma
which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma.
Joke #3
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes and, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - priceless
Joke # 1: A few things to ponder...
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them,
would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for
Dummies"...
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?
Aren't there enough of them alive aready?
You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be
possible?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near
miss"?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
If Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks,
what do Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
_____________________________________________
Joke # 2: The Good, Bad, Worse...
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Worse: Your wife is on next.
Good: Your husband's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Worse: And he looks better in them than you.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.
Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Quote from: davipu
<Snip>
Why do they report power outages on TV?
<Snip>
Not only did our RE-Elected Dumbass Village Idiot do this ... he also called it a rolling black out ... Yea ... Look it up dodo ... Rolling implies its timed in one zone, and following that it moves on to the next zone, and then the next like a controlled excercise to save electricity or create the impression of empty space (war time strategy)
Cool.
Srinath.
here are a few:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: Where do otters come from?
A: Otter space.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q. What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
a pirate walks into a bar with with his pants around his ankels and a ships steering wheel stuck to the end of his erect pee pee. he walks up to the bar and asks for a drink.
the astonished bartender says "sure thing, but whydo you have a steering wheel stuck to your pee pee?"
to which the pirate replies
"Arrrr, it's driving me nuts."
A man walks into a tatoo parlor, and asks for a tatoo.
"What do you want?" the artist ask.
"It's kind of strange." the man says.
"I've seen it all just spit it out." The artist says.
"I want a 100 dollar bill tatooed on my pee pee."
The artist promptly breaks out laughing. "Ok I have never done that. I will, but why in the Hell would you get that tatooed on your pee pee?"
The man replies "My wife is always blowing money"
Q:Where do find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left it
:lol:
Q : Why didn't the dog answer the phone ?
A : Because he was driving the tractor.
Q : What do you call a blonde in college ?
A : Lost.
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef
Two peanuts walk down the road late at night, one was a salted
Two guys walk into a bar... which is pretty stupid, you'd think the second guy would have stopped after he saw the first guy do it
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A golden retreiver
How does a blonde turn the light on after sex?
Kicks open the car door
How do asian people name their kids?
Throw silverware down the stairs
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill himself?
You would too, if your name was narghghghghhh
Two blondes, one in a car, one in a rowboat.. Problem is, rowboat's in the middle of a field... Blonde in the car, pulls over, gets out of car, starts yelling at blonde in boat.. "You know, it's blondes like you that make all blondes look stupid, I really hate you... If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass"
What did the blonde dad say to his blonde daughter as she left for a date?
If you're not in bed by twelve, come home
Why did the blonde drive her car into a ditch?
To turn off her turn signal
What do you get if you take 365 used condoms and melt em down into a tire?
A F*cking good year
A blonde and a brunette are watching the 10 o'clock news, and there's a man on a bridge threatening to jump, so the brunette bets the blonde $100 he jumps.. Sure enough, the guy jumps.. As the blonde is paying the brunette, her conscience kicks in, and she tells the blonde to keep her money, she'd seen the 5 o'clock news, and knew the guy was gonna jump.. The blonde said "No, you keep the money, I saw the 5 o'clock news too, I just didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again"
A drunk stumbles out of a bar late one night, only to run into a large group of nuns. Momentarily confused, the drunk looks around, runs at one of the nuns, and proceeds to pummel her, after she falls to the ground unconscious, the man mutters "You're not so tough after all, Batman!"
DO NOT READ THIS ONE IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED.. Or if you have a time constraint, it's long
A young hippy gets on a city bus, and ends up sitting next to a nun, whom he finds to be extraordinarily attractive, so he strikes up a conversation, and tries to hit on her, but gets shut down at every turn. He tries, unsuccessfully, every day for 3 weeks to get somewhere with her during his daily bus ride, and every advance is rebuffed. Finally, out of desperation, he asks the bus driver about the nun. The driver tells him that she goes to a private park to pray and reflect every thursday night at midnight, and he should look for her there. The hippy plans his approach, buys a robe and a mask. He waits at the park and sees the nun get off the bus, and gives her awhile to pray and reflect. He dons his robe and mask, and approaches the nun. He tells her that he is a physical manifestation of her Lord, sent to grant her every sexual desire, as she has abstained in his name, and he will grant her one night of earthly pleasure.. She says that it sounds wonderful, but asks that the pleasure only be anal, so that she can stay chaste for the sisterhood, which is fine by the hippy. After a long, sweaty hour, the hippy rips off his mask and says "HA HA! I'M THE HIPPY!", and the nun rips off her habit (hood) and says "HA HA! I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!!"
If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
To all you virgins out there - Thanks for nothing!
A duck walks into a bar, and says "Got any grapes?" To which the bartender says "nope", duck walks back out. The duck repeats this every day for a month, finally, the exasperated bartender tells him "If you ask me for grapes one more time, I'm gonna nail your bill to my bar!"... The duck comes in the next day and says "Got any nails?" The bartender says "nope", duck says "Got any grapes"
Did you know Helen Keller had a pony?
Neither did she
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They rearranged the furniture
(Sick answer - The put a plunger in the toilet)
DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED
5 nuns are standing in line for confession, the 1st goes in and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, last night, I put one finger around a man's pee pee" The priest tells her to do 10 Hail Mary's, 10 Our Fathers, and dip the finger in the holy water.. The second nun goes in and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, last night, I put two fingers around a man's pee pee" The priest tells her to do 20 Hail Mary's, 20 Our Fathers, and dip both fingers in the holy water, repeat for the 3rd nun, with 3 fingers. The 5th nun taps the fourth nun on the shoulder and says "Would you mind if I went first? Cuz I don't wanna gargle with that water after you put your ass in it"
How many rats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, if they're small enough
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to hold the bulb, one to spin the ladder
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave
Why do blondes wear pants?
To keep their ankles warm
SEMI-OFFENSIVE and long
A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are flying a plane across the Atlantic, and about 1/2 way through the flight, the Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says "I hate Chinese people" to which he responds "Why hate Chinee?" (Use your stereotypical asian voice here, I'm good at it, cuz I'm Korean). The Jewish guy tells him "Chinese people bombed Pearl Harbor", and he says "Chinee no bomb Pearl Hawbah, Japanee bomb Pearl Hawbah", and the Jewish guy says "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, they're all the same"... "Oh... ok..." So like 20 minutes later the Chinese guy turns to the Jewish guy... "No like Jews!" "WTF Do you mean you don't like Jews?"... "Jews sink Titanic!"... "Jews didn't sink the Titanic, an ice berg sank the Titanic"... The Chinese guy grins and says "Iceberg, Roseberg, Goldberg, all the same"
ONCE THERE LIVED A WOMAN WHO HAD A MADDENING PASSION FOR BAKED BEANS. SHE LOVED THEM BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THEY HAD ALWAYS HAD A VERY EMBARRASSING AND SOMEWHAT LIVELY REACTION TO HER.
THEN ONE DAY SHE MET A MAN AND FELL IN LOVE. WHEN IT BECAME APPARENT THAT THEY WOULD MARRY SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "HE IS SUCH A SWEET AND GENTLE MAN, HE WOULD NEVER GO FOR THIS CARRYING ON."
SHE MADE THE SUPREME SACRIFICE AND GAVE UP BEANS. SOME MONTHS LATER HER CAR BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK. SINCE SHE LIVED IN THE COUNTRY SHE
CALLED HER HUSBAND AND TOLD HIM THAT SHE WOULD BE LATE BECAUSE SHE HAD TO WALK HOME.
ON HER WAY, SHE PASSED A SMALL DINER AND THE ODOR OF THE BAKED BEANS WAS MORE THAN SHE COULD STAND. SINCE SHE STILL HAD MILES TO WALK, SHE FIGURED THAT
SHE WOULD WALK OFF ANY ILL EFFECTS BY THE TIME SHE REACHED HOME.
SO, SHE STOPPED AT THE DINER AND BEFORE SHE KNEW IT, SHE HAD CONSUMED THREE LARGE ORDERS OF BAKED BEANS. ALL THE WAY HOME SHE PUTT-PUTTED, AND UPON
ARRIVING HOME SHE FELT REASONABLY SURE SHE COULD CONTROL IT. HER HUSBAND SEEMED EXCITED TO SEE HER AND EXCLAIMED DELIGHTEDLY, "DARLING, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR DINNER TONIGHT."
HE THEN BLINDFOLDED HER AND LED HER TO HER CHAIR AT THE TABLE. SHE SEATED HERSELF AND JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD FROM HIS WIFE, THE
TELEPHONE RANG. HE MADE HER PROMISE NOT TO TOUCH THE BLINDFOLD UNTIL HE RETURNED. HE THEN WENT TO ANSWER THE TELEPHONE.
THE BAKED BEANS SHE HAD CONSUMED WERE STILL AFFECTING HER AND THE PRESSURE WAS BECOMING ALMOST UNBEARABLE, SO WHILE HER HUSBAND WAS OUT OF THE ROOM SHE SEIZED THE OPPORTUNITY, SHIFTED HER WEIGHT TO ONE LEG AND LET IT GO.
IT WAS NOT ONLY LOUD, BUT IT SMELLED LIKE A FERTILIZER TRUCK RUNNING OVER A SKUNK IN FRONT OF A PULPWOOD MILL. SHE TOOK HER NAPKIN AND FANNED THE AIR AROUND HER VIGOROUSLY. THEN, SHE SHIFTED TO THE OTHER CHEEK AND RIPPED THREE MORE, WHICH REMINDED HER OF COOKED CABBAGE.
KEEPING HER EARS TUNED TO THE CONVERSATION IN THE OTHER ROOM, SHE WENT ON LIKE THIS FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES. WHEN THE TELEPHONE FAREWELLS SIGNALED THE
END OF HER FREEDOM, SHE FANNED THE AIR A FEW MORE TIMES WITH HER NAPKIN, PLACED IT ON HER LAP AND FOLDED HER HANDS UPON IT, SMILING CONTENTEDLY TO HERSELF.
SHE WAS THE PICTURE OF INNOCENCE WHEN HER HUSBAND RETURNED, APOLOGIZING FOR TAKING SO LONG, HE ASKED HER IF SHE PEEKED, AND SHE ASSURED HIM THAT SHE HAD NOT.
AT THIS POINT, HE REMOVED THE BLINDFOLD, AND SHE WAS SURPRISED!! THERE WERE TWELVE DINNER GUESTS SEATED AROUND THE TABLE TO WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!!!
heh, that's an oldie, but a goodie... reminded me of this one -
GROSS (sorta?)
A young man and young woman have fallen deeply in love, and through a long courtship, they remain chaste, as young, unmarried people should, and on the night of their wedding, they plan to release all that pent up tension.. However, as the groom is in the bathroom, removing his tux and getting ready, the bride is overcome with guilt, and decides she has to make a confession to him. So when he comes out, she tells him, "I love you, but I have a confession to make... All through our dating, I've been wearing pushup bras, I'm flat as a 12 year old boy...I'm sorry to ruin your excitement"... He comforts her for awhile, and tells her, "Don't worry, I've got a confession to make too, down there, I'm like a baby!"... This immediately cheers her up, and they decide to get down to business. She takes her top off, and sure enough, not a whole lot there, but the groom isn't surprised. So he drops his pants, and she takes off his boxers, and is faced with the largest, most monstrous pee pee she's ever seen in her life, so big, she can't believe it, and she faints. She wakes up to see him standing over her, concerned, and she says "I thought you said you were like a baby down there!"... He just grins and replies "Yep... 16 inches long, weighs in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces"
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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A small town has two churches, a Baptist and a Methodist. Neither pastor is very well off and can only afford to ride bicycles. As their churches are close to each other, they ride together on Sunday mornings, swap sermon notes and chat. One morning the Baptist preacher walks up.
Methodist: Brother, where's your bicycle.
Baptist: Brother, my heart is heavy this morning. I fear that a member of my flock has stolen it.
Methodist: Well, here's what you do. Scrap your sermon this morning and preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, bear down on it. Make them feel the fire and smell the brimstone that awaits a thief, and the guilty party will confess.
Baptist: That's a great idea.
The next Sunday the Baptist is back on his bike.
Methodist: Praise God! I see my idea worked.
Baptist: Well, yes and no. I did like you said and preached on the Ten Commandments, but when I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle. (Thanks to Lewis Grizzard)
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A young turtle sits perched atop the tallest tree in the forest. He takes a deep breath, jumps, and begins flapping his legs as fast as he can. WHAM, he hits the ground. He shakes it off, climbs back up, jumps, flaps his legs, and WHAM, he hits the ground again. A little dazed now, he makes his way back to the top of the tree and gives it another go, but gravity asserts it's dominance and he falls back to earth. Undaunted but a little wobbly he starts his climb once more.
The mother bird looks at the father bird and says, "Should we tell him he's adopted?"
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And now for the really stupid ones...
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back
A stick.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?
Ilene
What do you call an Asian woman with no arms and one leg?
Irene (sorry about that one)
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
They asked the Mayor of New Orleans his stance on Roe v. Wade.
He said he didn't care how people got out of the city.
Wait for it. . .
Wait for it. . .
:lol:
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, upscale department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you ... she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck!
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement!
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey. I don't feel like it."
Her face went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she got this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
...Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
LMFAO... that's an oldie, but a goodie.... makes me laugh every time... :mrgreen:
:lol:
NICE!
Geez....I'm *so* in the dark ages....every time I get one of these in my e-mail, I think they're brand new. :P
George W Bush's handlers were finishing up his morning briefing and concluded with "and three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
Bush gasped, closed his eyes, and supported his head in his hands.
His handlers had never seen such a display of emotion from him and were shocked and quiet, giving him some peace.
Bush finally lifted up his head and said " How many is a brazillion?"
Finally! An oldie but a goodie (with a twist) that I recognize!!! :cheers:
ADULT HUMOUR/NO ONE UNDER 18!! :P
I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU.
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY
WAY WITH YOU.
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT
UNTIL YOU MOAN AND GROAN.
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO STOP.
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT
YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
Now get your mind out of the gutter....
And get your flu shot!!!!!!
heh.. I tried, but I can't....
getting a flu shot that is, the school is out of em... but they were gonna give me a free one, so that's neat... as for getting my mind out of the gutter... well... I'm a 19 year old male.... ain't happenin anytime soon (read: EVER)
:lol: :lol: :nana: :lol: :thumb:
Was it you who said his parents are 41 and 30? If so, one of your parents had you at 11??? :? :P
Maybe AlphaFire did the math for him. :nana:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Damn you both... :lol: :lol:
:mrgreen:
heh, yes, my parents are 41 and 30... My dad is 41, my stepmother (number 2, if you recall), is 30... my dad is a pimp, it just didn't rub off on me... :roll: :dunno: :dunno:
Gooooooooooooooo daddy-o! ;)
hah, my thoughts exactly... and this second one is nice... the first was a crazy beyotch who hated me... HATED me... can you imagine? A sweet little kid like me?
Quote from: NiceGuysFinishLasthah, my thoughts exactly... and this second one is nice... the first was a crazy beyotch who hated me... HATED me... can you imagine? A sweet little kid like me?
*cough* can't even imagine! :mrgreen:
I know.. I'm such a sweet kid... when I want to be...so.... never...
A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up but says nothing.
"How old are you?"
"Six," Johnny says.
"Six? When did you start smoking?"
"Right after the first time I got laid."
"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk." :cheers:
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies, "No, what do you mean."
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?"
Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."
A man dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter is there to greet him at the pearly gates. As he goes through the gates he sees a bunch of these clocks hanging on a huge wall. He asks Peter what those are for. Peter replies " each one is a persons and for each lie the person tells the minute hand moves one spot. They walk a little bit and the guy sees a clock and both hands are on 12 o'clock. He asked " whose is that?" Peter replies that is Mother Thersas, she has never told a lie. They walk a little more and he see another one with the minute hand on 12:02 and he asked "whose is that one?" Peter replies "Abraham Lincoln, he only told 2 lies his whole life." As they walk on the guy ask " Where is George Bushs' clock?"
Peter replies "God has it in his office..... He is using it as a fan.."
After a party one night 2 friends were drunk are in a car wreck and one is killed instantly, the other is in a coma for a week then dies. When he dies an angel greets him but then tells him he is going to hell, then poof he is standing in a big green field with a huge tree in the middle. Under the tree his friend is setting there with a beautiful blonde beside him and a big jug of beer on the other side. As he walked closer to his friend he seen his friend had a real sad look on his face. He got up to his friend and said " Why are you so sad? This place is nice and you got plenty of beer and a nice looking woman beside you."
His friend handed him the jug of beer. He grabbed the jug and put it to his mouth and nothing would come out. He looked at the jug and said " there's no hole in it!"
His friend looked up at him and said "There's no hole in the blonde either"
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the
toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed, constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
Living Will
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says this to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
Texas Chili Cook-Off...
Are folks in TX really like this?? Enjoy...
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shaZam!, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting shaZam!-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shaZam! on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
I couldn't read this all the way through in one sitting....the first time I read it....years ago
The following is not for the easily offended or overly (or even moderately) squeamish. Quit here if you categorize yourself as either of the above. Not kidding.
It's a dinner that went terribly wrong.
The Steakhouse Incident - originally posted in triangle.dining.
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me.
A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shaZam!, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shaZam!. I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the
same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shaZam! at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shaZam! no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shaZam! the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shaZam! wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shaZam! wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even
though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shaZam! remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shaZam! that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shaZam!. All while thick shaZam! was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no f%$king toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished
cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and
intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Steve Crisp
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Quote from: Mk1inCali[/end thread]
SPOILSPORT!!!!!