1. Two women walked into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - ".....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places".
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his Bum.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
' Is it common ? '
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him ?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? ...Because he's cross-eyed ?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu ?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
not a one liner but still...
Three men, dads, being close friends got together one day to catch up on time.
Immediately, each one brags about their sons.
First father states that his son is such an independent guy and has worked his way to riches. He got himself through school and graduated from Harvard with a law degree. He now owns his own lawfirm. The father is so proud of him because he has not forgotten his roots. The son now helps his friends and gave a Mercedes Benz to the closest friend he has. Needless to say, he's a proud dad.
The second father immediately tells them about his son. Much like the first one, he's independent and now is a wealthy businessman. He also helps his friends and has given his closest friend a big condo suite in Manhattan. Needless to say, another proud dad.
The third father is now pretty much depressed from hearing these two talk about their sons. His son is a loser, not to mention a "whore". You see he's ghey, and not only is he ghey, he's also a player. So much of a player that he has two boyfriends, one of which gave him a Mercedes Benz and the other gave him an expensive condo in Manhattan.
:kiss:
Thanks, man. That made my day. :thumb:
Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends?
A: Because there are twenty of them!
How do you know when its time to go to bed at MJs house?
When the big hand touches the little hand!
Q: Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts?
A: He was up to two packs a day.
Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Michael Jackson and OJ are in a plane full of kids coming back from holiday with the kids.
OJ says 'Michael we have two parachutes, thats one for you one for me.'
Michael says 'But what about all the children'
' f%$k the Children' OJ says
Michael replies 'OK but are you sure we've got time?'
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong & Michael Jackson?
One was the first man to walk on the moon..........
.... and the other has sex with little boys.