Author Topic: Continuous Joke Thread  (Read 5888 times)

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« on: November 25, 2004, 12:08:34 PM »
You have a good joke? Post it here. Let's try and keep this thread going. I'll start first.

One Thanksgiving a friend and I were walking down a main street in Albany when a man comes up to me and gives me a turkey and says, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Without hesitation my friend knocks him out. I asked my friend why he punched the nice man. My friend said, "He gave you the bird!"


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone :)


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2004, 12:13:34 PM »
Joke #1
A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.


Joke #2
A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"[/color]


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2004, 12:15:56 PM »
Joke #1
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work"


Joke #2
A lady goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2004, 12:22:45 PM »
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."

And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the heck are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f_ck the cat."


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline Cal Price

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2004, 12:30:08 PM »
Simon has his mother around for Sunday Lunch at the appartment he shares with Jason.

All through the meal mother is a little disturbed by the glances and little remarks that pass between them. When Jason is washing up she tries to talk to Simon but he cuts her shorts and says, I know what you are thinking but it's not like that, we are just flatmates and to prove it he shows his mother his room with a sumptuously padded double-bed then shows her another room with a single bed and says, that is Jason's room.

A week later Jason is preparing for another guest and says to Simon that he can't find the antique silver gravy ladle. They think about it and realise it was last seen when Simon's mother came to lunch.

Very embarrassed, Simon sends and e-mail to his mother saying, I am not saying you took the valuable silver antique ladle but the fact is that ever since you were here it has gone.

The following day simon got a reply. "If jason slept in that single bed he would have found the ladle by now"

NEVER TELL LIES TO YOUR MOTHER<



A group of very posh friends are having a dinner party when one of the men cocks a cheek, leans forward, and tears off the loudest, foulest fart in creation. Stunned silence. Then another guest says "Gad Sir, you farted in front of my wife" -  -  - "Oh Sorry I did not realise it was her turn"
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In Cricket the testicular guard, or Box, was introduced in 1874. The helmet was introduced in 1974. Is there a message??

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2004, 02:10:20 AM »
Joke #1
A guy asks his friend Bubba, a ladies' man, how he satisfies women.
"I just slam my pee pee on the dresser until it's numb, then I can go for hours," says Bubba.
That night the guy slams his unit on the dresser while his wife's in the bathroom.
She calls out, "Bubba, is that you?"

 
Joke #2
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later..

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


Joke #3
Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the pee pee! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the pee pee. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.


Joke #4
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the heck have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2004, 02:04:02 AM »
Joke #1
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."


Joke #2
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


Joke #3
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking and the one blonde says to the other. "What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon? " The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo.... can you see Florida?"



Joke #4
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The SOB called back."


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2004, 06:48:44 PM »


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline The Buddha

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Ok here goes...
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2004, 12:32:33 AM »
A panda walks into a bar, and orders beer, and another, and another, then ribs, then wings, then sandwiches, then icecream, and eats it all, then takes out a gun and starts shooting up the place ... and abruptly gets up and walks out the door... The manager and other try to stop it, asking where you think you're going ... to this the Panda says ... I am a Panda, look it up... and sure enough they look it up and there is a pic and a good description of what it is, its geneology and in the end its diet... eats shoots and leaves ....
No problem. Its supposed to do that...
Cool.
Srinath.
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Offline Flash

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2004, 10:10:41 PM »
Joke #1
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"


Joke #2
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."


Joke #3
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."


"A bad day of riding is better than a good day at work."

'96 Mods: Bob B. ign. advancer, 40 pilot/125 main jets, 15T fr sprocket, fenderectomy, 1/2" fabr fork brace, Pingel petcock

Offline pizzleboy

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2004, 08:17:25 PM »
Sorry, I've been saving these


One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Ignorant Liberal!

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Offline pizzleboy

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2004, 08:17:44 PM »
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. I love YOU, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shaZam!."
Ignorant Liberal!

"I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon."

Offline pizzleboy

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« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2004, 08:18:37 PM »
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
Ignorant Liberal!

"I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon."

Offline pizzleboy

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« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2004, 08:19:09 PM »
Once upon a time, I walked into my kitchen after a particularly exhausting night of drinking. I was rather hungry, as you can well imagine (I like to drink on an empty stomach). The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor in front of my refrigerator, the open door spilling its light onto the linoleum floor. I ate an entire pound of swiss cheese in under thirty seconds. I was having the time of my life, until I hazily remembered that I am lactose intolerant. Severely lactose intolerant. Those next few hours were among the worst of my life.
Ignorant Liberal!

"I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon."

Offline pizzleboy

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« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2004, 08:19:38 PM »
Ethical Dilemmas in Action

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Bob, don't worry about
it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and
you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go...".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

whispering...

"Bob, you're a vet..."
Ignorant Liberal!

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Offline pizzleboy

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« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2004, 08:20:18 PM »
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.
Ignorant Liberal!

"I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon."

Offline Mk1inCali

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« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2004, 03:21:16 AM »
Pizzle, that last one is AWESOME!!!

Laughed so hard my eyes watered!!
Anthony
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Offline CAN_Porn*Star

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« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2004, 03:46:27 PM »
Im sure evryone has heard this one before, but here is;
You know the US is going crazy when; the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and the three most powerful men in america are named Bush, duck and Colon

im not shure where this quote came from but ill bet letterman or lenno

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People who think that money is there biggest problem,
need to realize that there are some big frikin problems out there.

Offline Daniely

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2004, 03:56:08 PM »
Just a couple of my personal favorite blonde jokes:

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

How can you tell your fighting a war against blondes? You get hit in the head with a grenade pin.

Why do blondes like convertables? More leg room..

How can you tell there has been a blonde at your computer? There is white out on the screen. How can you tell another blonde was there after her? There is crayon on the white out..

Now where is that cheesy snare and tophat sound?
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Offline Ry_Guy

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Continuous Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: December 01, 2004, 01:09:36 AM »
Q:  Why did little Timmy fall off the swing?

A:  Because he had no arms.