OT: Tools (funny)

[Casimir]

For those of you learning to work on your bike, here is are some of the tools you'll need to use:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in mudguards just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw recesses.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Coventry, and rounds them off.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

From //www.ilovebacon.com

[mwdbruno]

LMAO!!!!   :lol:   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

[Leveller]

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Been there done that  :lol:

[70 Cam Guy]

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

These are also great at starting a bbq really fast if you forgot to do it on time  :mrgreen:

[alerbaugh]

Love it!

[yamahonkawazuki]

and for those that smoke, (cigarettes, pipes, or other substances) the torch is also useful also great for finding out if the liquid on the garage floor is flammable :dunno:  :mrgreen:

[Black Snowman]

They left a few off:

Cut-Off Wheel or Reciprocating Saw: Tools used to make sure something is completely destroyed before realizing the part must be re-used and no replacement is available. Alternately used to cut exhaust pipes and other items too short requiring them to be turned to worthless scrap by using the Welder (see below).

Die Grinder: Rotery tool used to cut through heads and into the water jacket or oil passages.

Welder: Tool used to blind you so that anything metal you're working with turns into a pile of worthless scrap metal. In a pinch can also can be used in place of the torch to set things on fire.

[Cal Price]

Yup, I think we've all done most of those. I have actualy got loads of my late father's old whitworth tools, problem is they are all mixed up with imperial and metrics so they are all a problem. An' the "experts" will tell you not to use an adjustable, pah!