I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, upscale department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you ... she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck!

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement!

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey. I don't feel like it."

Her face went completely blank, as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she got this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

...Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

LMFAO... that's an oldie, but a goodie.... makes me laugh every time... :mrgreen:

:lol:

NICE!

Geez....I'm *so* in the dark ages....every time I get one of these in my e-mail, I think they're brand new.

George W Bush's handlers were finishing up his morning briefing and concluded with "and three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Bush gasped, closed his eyes, and supported his head in his hands.

His handlers had never seen such a display of emotion from him and were shocked and quiet, giving him some peace.

Bush finally lifted up his head and said " How many is a brazillion?"

Finally! An oldie but a goodie (with a twist) that I recognize!!!  

ADULT HUMOUR/NO ONE UNDER 18!!  

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU.

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND  HAVE MY

WAY WITH YOU.

I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT

UNTIL YOU  MOAN AND GROAN.

I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...BEG FOR ME TO  STOP.

I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT

YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU.

AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR  DAYS.








ALL MY LOVE,

THE FLU

Now  get your mind out of the gutter....

And get your flu shot!!!!!!

heh.. I tried, but I can't....


getting a flu shot that is, the school is out of em... but they were gonna give me a free one, so that's neat... as for getting my mind out of the gutter... well... I'm a 19 year old male.... ain't happenin anytime soon (read: EVER)

:lol:  :lol:  :nana:  :lol:  

Was it you who said his parents are 41 and 30? If so, one of your parents had you at 11???    

Maybe AlphaFire did the math for him.   :nana:

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Damn you both... :lol:  :lol:

:mrgreen:

heh, yes, my parents are 41 and 30... My dad is 41, my stepmother (number 2, if you recall), is 30... my dad is a pimp, it just didn't rub off on me...  :dunno:  :dunno:

Gooooooooooooooo daddy-o!

hah, my thoughts exactly... and this second one is nice... the first was a crazy beyotch who hated me... HATED me... can you imagine? A sweet little kid like me?

Quote from: NiceGuysFinishLasthah, my thoughts exactly... and this second one is nice... the first was a crazy beyotch who hated me... HATED me... can you imagine? A sweet little kid like me?

*cough* can't even imagine!  :mrgreen:

I know.. I'm such a sweet kid... when I want to be...so.... never...

A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette.  "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke."


Johnny looks up but says nothing.


"How old are you?"


"Six," Johnny says.


"Six? When did you start smoking?"


"Right after the first time I got laid."


"Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"


Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk."  

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies, "No, what do you mean."

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.  He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help you?"

Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."