Disorder in the American Courts Re-Visited

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WIT NESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

  

Yea, Like I have said before, lawyers are stupid. however most of the questions are to sorta spell it out. Like, where you present when your pic was taken. If he says "yes I was", the lawyer can point to the fact that the witness was infact in another part of the crime scene at the time the crime occoured and hence his testimony is very good. Like photo studio right next to a bank, and he sees the bank robber run out and get into his car, and the photo is proof that the witness is a reliable one cos he was certainly there. Soemhting like that.
Cool.
Srinath.

good point 

 

And Yamahon - this one I must say, is the witnesses stupidity, and the lawyer being as it were, not allowed to use foul language.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

The lawyer should in this case, subsequent to receiving this answer be allowed to ask,

So in that case should I assume that you are actively F^(king people on a regular basis with scant regard to the several myriad of serious gonohorrea symptoms that even you are well aware of as is everyone of your partners.

Well I am assuming that the real point behind his question was to pin point her as the source of the spread of gonohorrea.
Cool.
Srinath.

Quote from: seshadri_srinath on February 04, 2008, 06:57:36 AM
Yea, Like I have said before, lawyers are stupid. however most of the questions are to sorta spell it out. Like, where you present when your pic was taken. If he says "yes I was", the lawyer can point to the fact that the witness was infact in another part of the crime scene at the time the crime occoured and hence his testimony is very good. Like photo studio right next to a bank, and he sees the bank robber run out and get into his car, and the photo is proof that the witness is a reliable one cos he was certainly there. Soemhting like that.
Cool.
Srinath.

Blow me!  I'm sure that lawyers aren't stupid.  But the fact of the matter is we know the answers to the question before we ask them, so we tend to get ahead of ourselves.  It isn't as easy as you might think.  It is like performing a play where you have to stick to a script but you're the only one that has seen the script.  If I had a dollar for every ignorant response I'd gotten to a simple question, I'd be a rich, rich man.  Oh wait.  I am a rich man.  Never mind. 

i don't believe anyone said lawyers were stupid. many times they just say dumb things. me personally, if you ask me a dumb question, be prepared for a dumb answer. 

well jake, if you can, got any good question / answers for us? 

Quote from: jserio on February 07, 2008, 10:47:29 PM
i don't believe anyone said lawyers were stupid. many times they just say dumb things. me personally, if you ask me a dumb question, be prepared for a dumb answer. 

Read Srinath's quote, son.

Regardless of dumb questions and dumb answers, I brace myself for dumb comments.

okay jake, whats teh funniest thing youve ever heard from a client or from asking a defendant or whatnot. ( that you can divulge without  going against teh attorney client priviledge)

now, these are the ones i found to be the funniest. i mean, to me, the lawyer was the one in these cases asking dumb questions. but to each his own opinion!




ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.