* I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.


They have 3 little "brat" kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,


So I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !



XXX


Can you spare just $5.00 ?


Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia.


He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to


School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal..


If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its hilarious.


XXX





* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.


All he says is, "Good morning


You ugly prick."


The parrot isn't yours is it?


XXX




* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.


Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.


XXX




* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:


Trycoxagain.


Xxx



*In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.


The question I got wrong was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"


Apparently, it's Africa.


Xxx




*One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in Cells.


It appears that Aboriginals and their cousins is not the correct answer.




Xxx




*My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the


Two of us on Valentine's Night.


Problem was she isn't interested in Snooker & Darts.


Xxx




*There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Bondi, but I've been


Banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.


Xxx




*You can justifiably say lots of bad things about paedophiles,


But at least they drive slowly past schools.


Xxx




*A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.


I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."




XXX

Damn.

i wanted to make a pizza for this muislim owner of the company i worked for in teh past always had a rage going on within himself. was going to topit with jalapeno peppers J, italian sausage I ham H, bacon A and cheddar cheeseour stores lettering system would have been jihad. like our deluxe was pepperoni, mushroom sausagegreen peppers and onions. aka pmsgo

 

or feta cheese, urchin  black onlives ( k) yellow peppers, and urchin  added to top. this pie was a genuine fukyu we would make weird pies.  if someone wanted an oddball pizza and they furnished the ingredients we didnt have. we charged only for the doughball.  and what items we supplied.  fun ones were simple wordplays. a cheese and pepperoni pie.  most people wanted pepperoni on top. aka pot.  odd looks ensue  when law enforcement would order this and wed call out. ok whos pot is this.

Keeping the offense going....
   We'd have some dumbass Iraqi we captured play it off like he did't speak English regardless of us finding a student ID for a college in the U.K. or even the U.S. If talking loudly among ourselves about cutting his throat out back didn't get him talking (which surprisingly doesn't work all that well) we'd give him the Pork Rib MRE. I saw one of these worthless fucks read it (in English) then look up and say "I can't eat that". (beatings ensue) 

i've had em call with a severe attitude. demanding this or that. i say, work with me respectfully i work with you. when they refuse' i can make an almost entirely beef pizza. with 1 single piece of sausage

You sir, get a digital high five  just made my day

Son says to his father, "Dad, I'm ghey."
Dad looks at his other son and said "What about you?"
Other son replies, "Me too, Dad."
Dad said "f%$k me, doesn't anyone in this f%$king family like kitty cat?"
Daughter pipes up, "I do..."

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says: "If any of you are paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell."
As nine of them start to walk away, St Peter calls out: "And take this deaf bastard with you."

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.
Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a  good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and growled:
"Hey, I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry, mate.  Did he drown?"
"Nah," he replied, "He choked on a sock."

The missus said to me last night "Love, if you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse."
Guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...
.
My best mate reckons he always cries after sex.  Mind you....he is in prison.

The missus came out of the bathroom and said, "I've just shaved my kitty cat and you know what that means don't you?"
I said "Yeah, the fuckin' plug hole is blocked again."

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. 
Picked him up in a night club.  He looked like a woman.  Smelt like a  woman.  Danced like a woman.  Even kissed like a woman,
but when we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one easy movement.
That's when I thought: "Hey, wait a f%$king minute..."


I saw my mate Charlie this morning; he's only got one arm, bless him. 
I shouted: "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't  stop laughing. ...then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward, init?"
"Not really," he said,  "I still have the receipt, you insensitive c@%t."

Not PC, Coda but very funny. 

Macka

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm f-----g her."

The boss says, "You f--k your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddd doc, I've bbeen sttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it.  Cccan yyyou hehelp me?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your pee pee, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore.  She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.


A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.  On his arm, he has a tattoo that says  REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says  NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.
Then the man drops his underwear and on his pee pee he has a tattoo that says  AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have  AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!   It will say  ADIDAS  in a minute."

** how many blonde jokes are there?
A: none they're all true

How do you know a blonde has been using your computer?
A: theres white out all over the screen


A parrot, preacher, nun, pirate, and a alternative lifestyle man walk into the bar. Bartender looks up at this group and says wth is this, some kind of joke?

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole the thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


The wife suggested I get myself one of those pee pee enlargers, so I did ....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."


Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."


The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.


There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.


The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat? 
Amhere Azwel

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?   
Amhere Azwell Azhim

There once was a woman named jill
who ate an exploding pill
they found her naughty place in north carolina
and her fun bags up a tree in brazil

a cowboy rides into town, runs into an old ranchhand of his. " hey jose, hows it going?" Ehh senor it is going good., cowboy asks, hows raul?, raul eees not alive anymore. hewas keeeled by a weasel. " A WEASEL? oh no. how did it happen?
Well senor, raul  he was making love to his girlfriend on the railroqad tracks and he did not hear the weasel

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can get back to seeing their own doctor.
 
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it.  It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Irish Bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar
is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow,
there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in
London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your
third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in
my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place,
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid,
all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the
claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to
you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."